妻子的空位 (The irreplaceable void)

我的妻子因為意外事故離開我身邊已經四年了，我想，妻子留下不會做任何家事的我
和孩子，她的心有何等難過呢？我也因為無法兼顧父母雙親的角色而感到挫折。有一
天我為了出差，清晨趕出門，無法將孩子打點好就得離開家，正巧前一天有剩下的
飯，我熱了蒸蛋，向還沒有睡醒的孩子交代一聲，就出門去了。

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how
does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must
be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking
care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have,
as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional
needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I
had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that
there was still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after
informing my sleepy child.

為了照顧好孩子飲食三餐的事，我也無力把自己的工作做好。有一天晚上回到家，我
只是很簡短地和孩子打個招呼，就因為身體疲累，不想吃晚餐，脫掉西裝之後就直接
往床上躺下。就在那個時候，砰的一聲，紅色的湯汁跟泡麵瞬時弄髒了床單和被
單，原來有碗泡麵在棉被裡！這小子真是的，說時遲那時快，我即時拿起一個衣
架，跑出去，往正玩著玩具的兒子的屁股就打，因為我實在是太生氣了，所以不停地
打他。但就在這個時候，他邊啜泣邊說了一段話，使我停了下來。

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am
home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So
with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the
room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention
of just having a well-deserved sleep, all i heard and felt was broken
porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the
source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess
on the bedsheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged
straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a
good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short
explanation:

兒子告訴我說：「飯鍋裡的飯早上已經吃完了，晚餐在幼稚園吃了，但是到了晚
上，爸爸還不回來，我就在櫥櫃的抽屜裡找到了泡麵。可是我想到爸爸說不能亂動瓦
斯爐，所以我就打開洗澡的水龍頭，用熱水泡了泡麵，一個自己吃，另一個想留給爸
爸吃。因為怕泡麵涼掉，所以我就把它放在棉被裡，等你回來。可是因為我正在玩向
朋友借來的玩具，所以忘了跟爸爸講。」

"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were
not back yet, hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I
remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any
adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from
the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me.
However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under
the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you
'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."

我不想讓兒子看到我在流淚，所以衝到洗手間，將水龍頭打開，大聲地哭。過了一陣
子之後，我打起精神來，一面哄著兒子，一面也在他屁股上擦藥，讓他上床睡覺。當
我清理好泡麵弄髒的床單和棉被後，打開兒子的房門一看，發現他仍舊發出哭泣
聲，手裡還拿著媽媽的照片。我把頭靠在房門站了許久，看著這一幕。

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't
want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried
with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went
towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him,
while coaxing him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the
bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's
room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little
buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

自從在一年前發生這件事之後，我為了扮演好媽媽的角色，更加用心地去照顧他。現
在兒子快七歲了，不久後就要從幼稚園畢業，進入國小讀書。慶幸的是，兒子在這段
時間毫無陰影，很開朗地成長。

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to
focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to
most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating
from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting
impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

就在不久前，我再一次打孩子，因為幼稚園來電話說，兒子沒有去學校，我心裡覺得
很不安，所以早退回家，在整個社區裡大聲地喊他的名字，卻是遍尋不著。後來在文
具店的門?f，看見他站在電玩的前面，於是我很生氣，又開始一直打他。兒子並沒有
說出任何的解釋，只說了聲對不起。後來我才知道，原來剛好是幼稚園要邀請媽媽去

看才藝表演的日子。

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time,
his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from
school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to
explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling
out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily
playing computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell
out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But
after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by
his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the
reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....

發生這些事的幾天後，兒子回家說，他在幼稚園裡學了寫字，從此他經常關在自己的
房間裡不出來，很認真地寫字。我看到兒子這個樣子，想到妻子在天國也一定會因為
看到他這樣而微笑，我就無法忍住淚水。

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten
has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to
himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure,
would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud
too!

時間很快，又過了一年，到了冬天，街頭上都在播放著聖誕節的歌曲，我的兒子卻又
闖了一個禍。我正要下班的時候，接到一通社區郵局的電話，說我兒子把一綑沒有寫
地址的信，惡作劇地放在郵筒裡。每年到了年底，正是郵局最忙碌的時候，所以這對
他們造成很大的困擾。雖然我已決定不再打孩子，但在急忙趕回家後，叫了兒子
來，我又忍不住痛打他一頓。兒子這一次只是說他做錯了，卻沒有講出任何理由。我
把他推到一個角落，不管了，自個兒跑到郵局領回那一綑惡作劇的信。我把信丟到他
眼前說：「你為什麼要這樣惡作劇？」兒子哭著回答說：「這些信是我要寄給媽媽
的。」

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's
winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the christmas spirit is in
every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my
son got into another trouble. When I was about to knock off from the day's
work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was
also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to
post several letters with no addressee. Although I did make a promise
never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that
this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he
apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I
pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the
letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on
his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.

當時我的眼眶紅了起來，心裡很激動，但是因為在兒子面前，所以我盡量隱忍住沒有
表現出來。我接著問他：「那麼，為什麼一次寄這麼多信呢？」兒子回答說：「以前
我要把信投進去的時候，因為個兒太矮，所以沒辦法投入，但是最近我再去郵筒
時，已經搆得到了，所以我就把以前沒有寄的，一次全部都投進入了。」

My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to
ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?" My son's
reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I
reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able
to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I
could reach it and I sent it all at once..."

我聽了以後，心中一片茫然，不知道該對孩子說什麼話。過了不久以後，我就跟他
說：「媽媽現在在天上，以後你寫完信，把信燒了，就能送到天國去。」等孩子睡著
之後，我到外面燒了那些信。我很好奇到底孩子想跟媽媽說些什麼，所以讀了其中的
幾封信。

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to
say....

I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if
you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach
mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon
after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters
on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the
letter before they turn to ash.

而當中有一封信攪動了我的心。

And one of the letters broke my heart....

親愛的媽媽：
我很想念你！媽媽，今天在幼稚園有才藝表演，但是因為我沒有媽媽，所以沒有去參
加，我也沒有告訴爸爸，怕爸爸會想念媽媽。爸爸到處去找我，但我為了讓爸爸看到
我很開心的樣子，所以故意坐在電動玩具面前，雖然爸爸罵我，但是我到最後也沒有
告訴他原因。媽媽，我每天都看到爸爸因為想念媽媽而哭泣，我想爸爸也跟我一
樣，很想念媽媽吧！但是，媽，我現在已經記不清楚你的臉。媽媽，請你讓我在夢
中，再一次能夠看到你的臉，好嗎？聽說把想念的人的照片放在懷裡睡覺，就會夢到
那個人。可是，媽媽，為什麼你沒有出現在我的夢裡呢？」

Dear Mummy,

I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the
school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did
not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was
afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad went
around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of
the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was
furious, and he couldn't help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not
tell him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and
whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room.
I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I
think. But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear
in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if
you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will
see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven't you appeared?


讀完這封信以後，我就開始嚎啕大哭。到底什麼時候，我才能填補妻子的空位呢？

After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace
the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....

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給 已經結婚的女同事：

不要加太多班，工作做不完，一定是公司的某些地方出問題了，一定要將問題反應給
妳的老闆，一直加班也不見的有用的，請務必要照顧自己的身體，才可以好好疼惜妳
的小寶貝。

For the females with children:

Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some
kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem.
Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to
the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take
care of your little precious.

給 已經結婚的男同事：

不要喝太多酒，不要抽太多煙，請問我們的生意，我們的客戶，有比我們的身體重要
嗎？
一定要想一想，有沒有辦法做到客人非我們不行，我們的差異化在哪裡，我們是否真
的懂客人的心，這比拼命喝酒，還重要，請務必要照顧自己的身體，才可以好好疼惜
妳的小寶貝和你的愛人。

For the married men:

Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even
business nor clients.

Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally
dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this
society, no one is indispensable.

Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little
precious and your loved ones.

給 還沒有結婚的男同事和女同事：

For those singles out there:

Beauty lies in loving yourself first.

With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other
things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let
your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more
than your well being.
美其實是從愛自己的身體開始 --（蔣勳，身體美學）。
無入而不自得 -- （孔子）。

妳/你們一定要很自在，工作才能做的好，如果工作讓你/妳們的心情做的很辛苦，代
表的是我們的公司不夠聰明，那也是公司什麼地方不對了，要勇敢的說出來，不要讓
不聰明的工作與老闆，傷害了妳/你們的身體。